What do you call a fake spaghetti?

An im-pasta.

What's a duck's favorite snack?

Cheese and QUACKers.

How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

How do you make water holy?

Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador

Did you hear about the circus that went up in flames the other day?

It was in tents.

An Italian chef has died.

He pasta way.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tired.

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No… I just feel bad that you're standing alone…"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
Driver: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
Woman says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Why did the dog go in the water?

Because it was a hotdog

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

What do you call a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite

Why are ghosts bad liars?

Because you can see right through them!